Venting.

I know I talk about my weight/body image on this blog a lot. I created this blog solely to post my photos and blog about events in my life but I've found that this is the only place I feel safe enough to vent about personal things like my body image. I've been anticipating prom night for months now and the day finally came yesterday. I made the mistake of waiting until Friday night to try on my dress and was extremely disappointed when I found that it didn't zip comfortably. I was in love with the dress and how I pictured myself when wearing it but those dreams quickly disappeared when I was really uncomfortable just in my house. I felt like I was bulging out of my dress in all the wrong places and when I looked at the pictures my mom posted on Facebook I felt even more uncomfortable. Once we got to prom and people were complimenting me, I felt a little better about myself. Even then I couldn't' help but to compare myself to all the perfect skinny girls around me. I realized that unlike many other girls, I don't dress to impress guys. I dress to look as good as other girls, but I know I'm not capable of ever looking like them. I always set goals like "I'm going to cut out fast food and start exercising every day of the week" but I can never follow through. Being overweight is like a disease; a disease that's holding me back from experiencing the life I really want. I never want to get dressed up because I know that my fat is going to be hanging out of my dress, and that's kept me from going to any high school dances - except prom. I enjoy dancing, even though I'm not particularly good at it, but I'm even more afraid because I look stupid AND fat on the dance floor. The thing that I'm most frustrated with is that nobody understands what it's like. Unless you've been over 100 pounds overweight, you have no idea how I feel or what I have to deal with. Everyone always says "If you're unhappy, change" but it's not as easy as just changing your physical appearance. Unless you work at your mental emotions as well as your body, you're still going to have that disease in your mind. Right now I feel like I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a body that I don't want to be in. I don't want to keep feeling uncomfortable in anything without sleeves or pants that don't cover my thighs. I don't know how to get out of this body.